Don't serve your thoughts tea

I came across this lovely metaphor recently, which I thought was very helpful in terms of how to work with those tricky thoughts which show up for us all sometimes.

Shunryu Suzuki was a Zen monk and teacher who founded the San Francisco Zen Center and the Tassajara Zen Mountain Center, the first Zen Buddhist monastery outside of Asia. 

He was a key figure in establishing Zen in the United States, teaching and sharing the practices of Zen Buddhism. 

This metaphor is something that he shared in one of his teachings. I am not a Buddhist, and you don't need to be a Buddhist to benefit from the 'Don't serve them tea' message.

I want you to imagine for a moment that you are in your house. Its a warm day, but it isn't windy, so you decide to open not only your back door but your front door also. You live on a busy street so sometimes someone knocks on your door. Sometimes, its someone you really like- that friendly neighbour at the end of the street, your parents are in the area and drop in to say hello or maybe its your best friend who brings around a bottle of wine for a catchup.

Generally, when those people we 'like' call in- what do we do? We generally offer them something to eat or drink. A cup of tea, a glass of wine or maybe to share dinner. They generally will stay for some time and when the conversation is had and the good time is over, they then go on their way again- out the back door and you both get on with the rest of your day.

Sometimes, its boring Neil who knocks at the door or grumpy Simon. You don't want to be rude but you don't want to spend much time with them either. So you 'acknowledge' their presence but you don't offer them tea. Sometimes they still stay for a while, grab a seat and make conversation. At other times, they recognise that you aren't paying them much attention and they just go on their merry way. No need for an argument or fight.

Very similarly, we can learn to do this with our own 'thoughts'. If its a thought we 'like', a thought that is 'helpful' we can pay attention to it, we can let it guide our behaviour; we can serve them tea!

If the thought is 'unhelpful', 'self-critical' or one of the many versions of the 'I'm not good enough' story, we don't have to give those thoughts our time, energy and attention. We don't have to serve them tea! We can acknowledge them, even 'thank' them for their information and then redirect attention on to what's really important. Like boring Neil or grumpy Simon, they still may hang around for a while( not all thoughts move on straight away) but in time, without feeding them- they will leave in their own time!

The advice encourages allowing thoughts to pass through your mind without engaging with them, much like a house guest who you greet but don't invite to sit down and spend time with. It's a metaphor for non-attachment, suggesting you observe thoughts without feeding them, preventing them from becoming negative spirals or consuming your attention. 

What the metaphor means:

• Open doors: Your mind is open to receiving whatever thoughts arise, whether they are pleasant or unpleasant, normal or negative. 

• Let them come and go: Thoughts are not to be suppressed or controlled, but allowed to flow through your consciousness without resistance. 

• Don't serve them tea: This is the critical part. "Serving tea" means giving your time, energy, and attention to these thoughts. You are not to engage, debate, or dwell on them. 

How to apply it in practice:

• Acknowledge without dwelling: When a thought arises, recognize its presence but immediately allow it to pass without further involvement. 

• Avoid rumination: "Serving tea" is a metaphor for rumination, the act of repeatedly thinking about the same negative thoughts. 

• Cultivate non-attachment: The goal is to develop a non-attached stance, recognizing thoughts as temporary events rather than as parts of your identity or reality. 

• Maintain presence: By not engaging with thoughts, you can remain present in the moment, rather than being distracted by them. 

Its been a while since I have blogged. I'm glad I served the thought- 'Maybe you should begin blogging again' some tea:)

I hope you find it useful.

Paul Mc Carroll

OCD Therapist

www.befreefromocd.com